Note: I did not write the letter which is reproduced in the text below. I obtained it from Earl.
I went into Earl’s knife shop and like almost every other time I have visited the knife shop I found him leaning back in the old office chair. The ever vigilant Bullitt the bulldog, head of shop security, opened one eye and seeing that I had neither pizza nor cheeseburgers, went back to sleep. I noticed that Earl had a puzzled look on his face
“Whats up Earl?” I asked.
“Well you know that like most folks I have gotten lots of letters. I’ve gotten invitations, bills, love letters, a Dear John letter, sad letters, happy letters, and letters from politicians wanting my vote and/or money. All sorts of letters.”
“You have received love letters?” I asked.
“Since the fifth grade?”
“Well not too many lately I’ll admit.” Earl said. But that’s not the point here. The point is that this letter is from deer.”
“You mean to tell me that you got a letter from cloven hoof quadrupeds?”
“That’s what it says.”
“Let me see, Earl.”
He handed me the letter which is reproduced below.
We, all board members of western Kentucky Deer-R-Us, understand that windy ridge deer property is under new management. We have some serious concerns we would like to see addressed.
First, the water situation. The river is out. It is impossible to get a drink between the dead carp. And the smell is sickening. The pond isn’t much better. Have you ever tried to take a drink with a beaver chewing on your nose?? It’s not fun!!
We would think that 6 to 8 water tanks would solve the problem. If money is an issue, stop buying those big, high plastic boxes. We know what you plan to do in them, and it ain’t bird watching!!
Next is food. Weeds have taken the place over. Now, you’ve hired some half ass, rookie farmer. He threw some beans out in a mud hole!! What’s next, rice paddies??!!?? There is a small patch of alfalfa and clover, but they ain’t much. What in the hell do you expect us to winter on?? Soured acorns and rag weed?? We can’t even remember what a kernel of corn looks like. We are looking for a little security.
The rumors are flying. We’ve heard of a place a few miles down the road. Clover fields as far as you can see. Alfalfa up to your belly. Acres of corn. Even a silo, full of corn. Water a plenty and hot does. That’s security!! Rumor has it that’s where the late, great Wooly Bully used to reside. We plan to send scouts out to see if these rumors can be confirmed.
In closing, please advise of improvements planned as well as schedule. This will help in our future plans.
“I don’t think many deer can type Earl. Somebody is having some fun with you I believe.”
“Well it’s somebody that knows that I am the mighty hunter that eventually got the elusive Wooly Bully. And, there’s not a lot of people know that. I don’t want the deer to know because that might make them avoid me this season and for seasons to come too.”
“I imagine a human wrote that letter, Earl.”
“Probably so, but is that really how the deer feel, and how much do they know about Wooly Bully and me?”
“Earl I just stopped by for a minute and have to leave. See you later Bullitt.” I said as I got up and started toward the door.
Bullitt slightly opened one eye and wagged his stubby tail. Earl said, “You mentioned deer being cloven hoofed. Did you know some people associate cloven hoofs with the devil. What do you think about that?”
“I’m leaving before this gives me a headache, Earl. See you later.”
Copyright not including the letter Bill North 2014